Saturday, July 27, 2013

Sometimes, the hardest thing to wear is your own skin.

This will be a very long post about my mental health that is extremely optional to read.

About a year ago I began to feel somewhat depressed.. That was how it started anyway. I could often feel depressed "for no reason", I became restless but had also no desire to do anything else but to lay in my bed. And I felt no ability to do anything about it. I know this is a problem I have had since I was a kid. There was the days when I felt apathetic and tired of everything, but it was never so often that it interfered with my everyday life.

Then it got worse and worse. I went on a larp in August and something happend that I now know is a panic attack. I could not leave the tent because I was afraid that people would look at me, or I'd play my character poorly. I simply did not want to meet someone and I screamed and cried alternately. It probably took an hour or two before Mattias could calm me down so he could leave the tent himself.
I thought it would be a one-time thing but unfortunately it has rather become something very common that happens when I feel too stressed or there is too much people around.

Then I became unemployed in the fall and I think that made things so much worse. I started crying several days a week for no reason and felt so terribly bad every time I got a no to a job I had applied for. Some days I felt completely without energy, even though I was home everyday. Everytime I booked myself in to meet a friend, I was feeling anxious and regretted that I have asked and did not want to go.

Then I got the half-time job in March and I thought I would start to feel better then, I thought I felt so bad just because I was unemployed. But it did not help. Still, I got many many days where I could not deal with anything or finalize projects I've started.
I find it difficult to manage everyday chores sometimes because they require that sort of energy and willpower I don't have .. I feel simultaneously stressed about how the world is structured. I feel that I need to update Facebook, I have to update the blog, otherwise everyone I know will forget me. I get so stressed out because I also want to be one of those people who grow vegetables, runs in the woods and eats healthy.
But I can not.
On the worst days nothing at all feels fun anymore and I've lost interest in things that I formerly enjoyed doing because I can not handle failures anymore. If I sew a stitch wrong, I give up because I just want to cry and throw things around. I loved practicing karate, but have not done it in 4 months because I had an anxiety attack on my last lesson because there was lot of people there that I had never seen before. Now I'm scared to go back if it will happen again.

I can barely choose clothes in the morning. I would rather just go to bed and not have to see people.
I am so grateful that I have special workclothes at my job.
People. It is the most difficult thing. That I have to see them, meet them, talk to them.
Sometimes I feel good until I have to go somewhere, the store or so, then everything pours over again and I wish I never ever again have to go out. I cry more than what is normal and usually I do not know why. Everything just feels so incredibly heavy, like the whole world rests on my shoulders.
Often, it feels like I'm wasting life in front of the computer, I'm afraid I'll regret it when I've gotten older, but all I have the energy to do when I feel like this is reading my facebook feed, watch movies and series because they require no dedication.

I have stopped following extremeblogs about feminism, vegetarian blogs, political. Because the more I know about what's happening in the world, the better person I want to be and fix EVERYTHING but I can't, so I have to ignore it instead sometimes.
I just want to avoid all the pain I'm feeling but I have no solution.
I'm afraid. Afraid of the future, that it will always be like this, or worse.

I've finally gotten a meeting at a psychologist in two weeks after many months of waiting.
But I wanted to write this so that you understand why I do not update as much as I used to or if I'm slow to respond to comments.
I really enjoy blogging and certainly do not want to put it down. So I'm just trying to take it easy and not think about it constantly and in that way feel less pressured. I know that when it comes to this I'm the only person pressuring myself, it's not my readers.

I understand that some of you might not read this but I hope that by publishing it will ease off some weight on my shoulders. :)


  1. Tack för att du delar med dig av det här. Jag vet hur mycket social ångest kan förstöra ens liv men jag vet också att det går att ta sig ur de onda cirklarna. Jag hoppas verkligen att du får träffa en bra psykolog som kan hjälpa dig att må bättre. Kram

    1. Ja jag hoppas också att det kommer hjälpa på något vis att få prata med en psykolog. Tack för din fina kommentar :) Kram

  2. I am so sorry for what you are going through. I understand why you would not want to follow blogs that make you upset. I, too get frustrated and sad that I cannot heal all the problems of the world. Some of my friends can read that stuff all day, I just get upset, so I have to mostly ignore those things too.

    Stop worrying about life passing you by and concentrate on getting better. No one will forget you, we just want you to be happy. Concentrate on one day at a time.

    Loss of job and trying to find another is also really stressful, it had me crying at points worrying about not having enough money to get by. You have had a lot of stress, and obviously it is not easy. If you need to take time out of life and just lie around watching movies or whatever, then that is what you need to do.

    Hope everything goes well with the doctor.

    1. Yes it's just too much, before I was unemployed I hadn't time to think about all the world problems, so I guess it was then I started reading way too much. The last few months I have been trying really hard to live "correctly" but as much as I want to do that it's not good for my mental health to think about that so much every day. :/

      Thank you so much for you comment! You always know what to say. *hugs*

  3. Aaw, panikångest suger verkligen. Min mor har det och min syster har det. Jag har själv fått ett par attacker, men inte värre än att jag får stanna upp och ta ett par djupa andetag för att hjärtat ska lugna ner sig lixom.

    Människor är så jäkla dömmande och de stirrar väldigt gärna, så det är inte konstigt man mår dåligt av folkmassor. Jag gillar inte heller mycket folk, men jag försöker att totalt skita i dem och vad de tänker och tycker. Lätt för mig att säga som inte mår SÅ dåligt.

    Nä, att vara arbetslös hjälper ju inte heller.
    Och sen det här med ångest för att man sitter vid datorn, känner igen mig själv där. Jag får ångest för att jag egentligen kan göra annat - vettigare saker. Men som vad? Huset är kliniskt rent, man kan inte gå ut för att då blir man anfallen av hästflugor och getingar (30 grader varmt). Och det är helg. Men jag orkar inte umgås med någon. Så - dator eller TV!
    Jag känner att jag måste använda uteslutnings-metoder för att kunna slappna av vid datorn UTAN dåligt samvete. Så jag tror jag är lite som du där.

    Jag hoppas det hjälper dig att gå och prata med någon, verkligen! Och du, man behöver inte skriva frenetiskt i sin blogg för att ens läsare ska fortsätta titta in, vi går ingenstans. :D

    1. Jag hoppas att jag också kan komma till den nivån att jag kan förhindra att jag börjar gråta och får hjärtklappning!

      Ja jag förstår liksom inte hur detta kan hända mig, jag har alltid älskat uppmärksamhet och att sticka ut, vara med på kort osv, men nu känner jag bara att jag vill vara osynlig de flesta dagarna :/ förmodligen är det inte så många som jag tror som stirrar på mig när jag ute såklart men det känns ju som att alla gör det.

      När jag har bra dagar tänker jag att jag ska slappna av mer så som du säger och bara göra det jag har lust med, men det är som att det inte går att hindra dåliga självdömande tankar när jag mår kasst O.o

      Tack för att du skrev, det gör mig verkligen glad, jag hade inte förväntat mig såhär fin respons på mitt inlägg. ^^ <3

  4. I'm really sorry to hear you're feeling this bad. You're one of my top favourite bloggers and of course I enjoy reading your entries, but your mental health comes first and all you have to think about now is trying to be happy, or at least to be relaxed.
    Basing on what you told us, you show all the symptoms of clinical depression. This is a serious issue and it needs to be cured, with counseling or medication, whatever your therapist decides is right for you.
    I don't know what to say or how I can help you, I don't think I can do much for you aside from telling you I won't certainly forget about you and your blog :) you're a fun, smart, interesting girl and even if you stay away from your blog for months I'll be here waiting for your next post ;) and of course, if you need to talk - about anything - I'll be here for you.
    I really wish you the best and I hope time and therapy will help you heal. Take care ;)

    1. Thank you so so much! <3
      I would probably never be able to not blog for months. :'D (too addicted) Even my boyfriend said to me that he thinks my blog seem to make me more happy than sad. I do need to stop pushing myself to come up with new entries when I do not need to. One does not really need to update thousands of times a week but when I'm depressed I become so afraid of being forgotten.

      Your comment really warms my heart and I'm so happy to have you as a blogfriend :)

  5. I've been going through the exact same thing; false self - concept, social insecurities, panic attaks, exhaustion, I felt like I had no purpose, but getting a job and meeting new people helped me a lot. Maybe, it has to do somethin with the office environment itself: I was forced to dress up neat every day or to keep contact with people and although some days I hated it, it became a habit and if there's one thing that can keep a depressed person going is habit...only the beginning is hard, really.
    I know it doesn't sound ideal, but it did help me for sure...:p

    Anyway, you don't have to worry, we do care about you and won't forget you and neither will your family, boyfriend or friends. ^^

    1. I can totally understand that actually! Sometimes dressing up nice and going somewhere is the best cure! It's just sooo hard choosing and putting the close on >.< Sometimes I wish I only had one or two dresses in my closet so I wouldn't have to choose.

      Thank you, that is so sweet of you to say <3

  6. Kära Lesthi,
    Jag är ledsen att du mår så dåligt. Jag har mailat dig.

    1. Jag har även skrivit om mina relaterade problem i mitt inlägg idag. Jag hoppas det är ok att jag länkade till dig.

  7. Darling --I hope that too. I really hope that writing this post has relieved you. And hopefully you will get the aid you need when you meet the psychologist. It's a good start that you can actually talk about this here. Anything to shake some weight off your heart.

    If the world-pain makes you feel inadequacy you're probably making a very good decision in avoiding involving your thoughts around it. Of course it isn't always easy. And such feeling can get so crushing, I know, in case it mixes with general hopelessness to ever be able to fix any of it. I got through that with emerging in art, in a place where things can be as well as they ever need to be. But it's good that you've realized that you've got enough to deal with already. The main concern now is your own health. Feel free to talk to me if you want to -and anyone you trust.

    And no, doing what you're capable of doing at the moment is by no means wasting time! Anything that prevents you from feeling worse and is by all means as harmless as watching movies or reading Facebook is recommendable.

    About updating your blog -I love to read your text and to see where you've been, but to prevent from forgetting you reading a post of yours once was enough. You're really an interesting person, a person that one remembers easily. I often think about you in offline life, about the way you think, your hobbies, how you are doing there etc. In case you take a break from here I believe such a nice, fun, golden person stays on many minds. I'll always be delighted to hear from you, be it after a week, a month or three months. :)
    I don't know how this sounds like coming from a person you've never met, but I really love you a lot. You're so warm and friendly and intelligent, and that kind of people often have the hardest time here. I really want to help you if there's any way I can do it from abroad.

    1. Thank you for being so understanding!
      It was very sad to unfollow all my favourite feminism blogs, but I guess it's better for now.

      Oh my you are so kind! <3 I wish we were neighbours or something so I could surround myself with your positive aura, you seem like so much fun to hang with from your blog and everything you write and I was happy that you added me as a facebookfriend btw :D

  8. Thanks for sharing, darling. I'm sorry you're having these problems. I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder many years ago and understand many of the things you are dealing with. I've actually lost many friends because I make plans with them, then stress out/panic/feel apathetic right before I have to go and cancel. I hope the psychologist can help you :)

    1. I can understand that, I dont hear from some of my friends that I used to be in good contact with because I always say no to set a date :/ it's expecially hard if they live far away because I really couldn't handle travel far and have a sleepover somewhere.

      I hope you feel much better nowadays! <3

  9. Jag tycker att du klok och modig som skriver om det. Även om jag inte känner panik- och hopplöshetskänslorna just nu, så har jag upplevt dem och kan idientifiera mig med känslan av att inte orka med världen just nu. Låt oss andra bära striderna ett tag. Hoppas att du får hjälp och kom ihåg att vi läsare finns här. Ta det i din takt.

  10. Oh, dear Lesthi. It's so hard to be young these days, I think. There are just so many pressures.

    When I was 25, I admitted myself to a psychiatric ward for what was then called Manic Depression (they call it bi-polar now). I stayed in there a month and did group therapy and heavy drugs. I stayed on the medication for about a year but I found that it just made me feel numb. So I went off it, and though I still have highs and lows, I've gotten used to it. Sometimes I have lots of energy to get things done and other times, like you, all I want to do is sit in front of the computer. But that's okay - for me, anyway. It's just how I am and I no longer feel guilty about not meeting anyone's expectations of whether I'm like a 'normal' person or not.

    I hope your visit with the psychologist goes well, but remember that they do not always know what's best for you, either. Sometimes you just have to do what you feel is right for you.

    And I will always eagerly await your blog posts, no matter how often you post. ❤

    1. Indeed, it really seems like this is a hevay world to live in for many people. I wonder if it is so or if it's just that people used to hide their problems more before.

      I'm glad that you have accepted yourself and feel better now, I hope I can do that do, I would prefer if I could live without any pills at all.. I'm afraid that the sort of pills doctors want to propose just gives a sort of "fake happiness".

      You comment made me very delighted, thank you :)

  11. Fy, det låter jobbigt. Jag hade själv en period på några månader då jag var tvungen att alltid vara bland folk, eftersom jag grät och hade ångest så fort jag var ensam. Inte så easypeasy att deala med då jag inte visste vad det berodde på och jag hade inte riktigt någon jag kände att jag ville prata med om det, men när jag finally insåg var problemet låg var det så himla enkelt att ändra på, och bättre blev det ju. Hoppas det underlättar för dig att få ventilera med någon professionell, och hoppas du börjar må bättre. Kram!

    1. Vad skönt att dina problem gick över, jag hoppas att mina gör det med ^^ Kram!

  12. Åh. Jag hoppas verkligen att du får bra hjälp. Om du inte känner att det klickar mellan dig och psykologen, byt. Den första jag hade drog alldeles för snabba slutsatser av vad jag sa och föreslog att jag skulle flytta från Johan ett tag (kan du tänka dig en självmordsbenägen 2 barnsmamma som bor i hus, sätta igång en flyttcirkus??), idioti. Nästa jag fick var helt underbar.
    Det låter som panikångest det du beskriver och det är jättejobbigt när man ser bara en massa ögon och människor som stirrar på en och man vill bara gömma sig. Jag hoppas att Mattias förstår dig i de där situationerna även om de inte är rationella
    Snälla du. Jämför dig inte med andra, du är bra som du är. De som springer i skogen o odlar grönsaker har kanske inte tid med andra saker heller ;).
    Jag tycker att det är faktiskt riktigt klokt av dig att inte läsa om för mycket elände just nu, när man är deppig så har man inget filter som håller ifrån utan allt elände går rätt in i hjärtat, försök att hålla dig från människor som du vet kan såra dig.
    Det kanske är tillochmed så att det är jobbigt att träffa en massa människor överhuvudtaget just nu? När jag var sjuk så var jag tvungen att gå och lägga mig efter ett telefonsamtal :P
    Var rädd om dig, ta hand om dig och var lite egoistisk <3 <3 <3 Strunta i att vara alla till lags. Vila.
    Lite jobbig är jag som ger dig raka råd, men jag hoppas att de hjälper.
    Kom ihåg att du är inte din sjukdom
    Kramar <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

    1. Åh det är jag faktiskt också rädd för, att psykologen ska tro att Mattias är ett problem :/ när det är han som är min allra största livboj här i livet. Han är väldigt bra på att ta hand om mig och bara finnas till hands när jag behöver. Han är den enda jag kan umgås med när jag mår som sämst.

      Tack så mycket för din kommentar! Känns så skönt att få svar från människor som faktiskt vet hur det är. :) <3

  13. Dear Lesthi,
    I wanted to really concentrate on an answer and now I am pretty late with my comment.
    I can completely understand you. Many of the things you describe I know from myself. The struggle with trying to save the world and make it better, the depending on the opinion of others, the days were nothing is fun and motivation is gone completely.
    I learned that I have to be happy and confident with myself. That I can't change the behaviour of others and that I don't have the energy to demonstrate or lead a campagne to save the world or change society's problems like sexism or homophobia. But I can change myself, I can be happy and content with the opinions I have, with the things I can do for me or close friends.
    If you change some things in your life because you want to, that is great. But if they require too great a change or if you suffer too much, leave it. You are only a woman and you can't command more of you than is possible. Don't begin to question yourself and your believes because you can't change the world, that will destroy you if you don't be careful.
    The most important thing is, that you are happy with yourself. No matter what others tell you, if you go outside and feel comfortable, it should be of no importance if anyone looks at you. I know that this is so difficult. When I am wearing a more extravagant outfit and someone in the train laughes I immediately turn around to see if he is laughing at me. If someone stares at me. It is getting better now, but I still have to understand that I have to love myself and that there will be people who love me as I am. We mustn't be afraid of people that won't accept us the way we are.
    I fear that you have different sorrows and problems you are dealing with. Maybe it would really help if you talked to a doctor. Not because you are ill, but because it helps to talk about things that stress us and won't leave our head even if we want them to.
    And as the other said: We won't forget you if you will post less frequently. You are a part of my memories, a blogger I have followed for quite some time now.
    Please take care of yourself and I hope that you will feel better soon!

    1. That is so true words, I hope I can be calm someday and just be happy with what I do and what I stand for instead of bothering myself with what everyone else is doing.

      I regognize myself in what you wrote about people laughing. I always assume that they are laughing at me, which is just insane, and even if they were laughing at me I should learn to just don't care instead.

      Thank you so much for caring and taking the time to comment. You wrote very inspiring words <3

  14. Jag hoppas att du börjar må bättre snart. Styrkekramar till dig!

  15. I'm really sorry that you feel like this and have been feeling like this for a while now, that must be terrible. I was depressed for most of my teenage years, so I definitely know how hard it can be and what a struggle it is to deal with that. I really hope that visiting a psychologist will help you, but do keep in mind that the only person who truly knows what's right for you, is you ^^