This will be a very long post about my mental health that is extremely optional to read.
About a year ago I began to feel somewhat depressed.. That was how it started anyway. I could often feel depressed "for no reason", I became restless but had also no desire to do anything else but to lay in my bed. And I felt no ability to do anything about it. I know this is a problem I have had since I was a kid. There was the days when I felt apathetic and tired of everything, but it was never so often that it interfered with my everyday life.
Then it got worse and worse. I went on a larp in August and something happend that I now know is a panic attack. I could not leave the tent because I was afraid that people would look at me, or I'd play my character poorly. I simply did not want to meet someone and I screamed and cried alternately. It probably took an hour or two before Mattias could calm me down so he could leave the tent himself.
I thought it would be a one-time thing but unfortunately it has rather become something very common that happens when I feel too stressed or there is too much people around.
Then I became unemployed in the fall and I think that made things so much worse. I started crying several days a week for no reason and felt so terribly bad every time I got a no to a job I had applied for. Some days I felt completely without energy, even though I was home everyday. Everytime I booked myself in to meet a friend, I was feeling anxious and regretted that I have asked and did not want to go.
Then I got the half-time job in March and I thought I would start to feel better then, I thought I felt so bad just because I was unemployed. But it did not help. Still, I got many many days where I could not deal with anything or finalize projects I've started.
I find it difficult to manage everyday chores sometimes because they require that sort of energy and willpower I don't have .. I feel simultaneously stressed about how the world is structured. I feel that I need to update Facebook, I have to update the blog, otherwise everyone I know will forget me. I get so stressed out because I also want to be one of those people who grow vegetables, runs in the woods and eats healthy.
But I can not.
On the worst days nothing at all feels fun anymore and I've lost interest in things that I formerly enjoyed doing because I can not handle failures anymore. If I sew a stitch wrong, I give up because I just want to cry and throw things around. I loved practicing karate, but have not done it in 4 months because I had an anxiety attack on my last lesson because there was lot of people there that I had never seen before. Now I'm scared to go back if it will happen again.
I can barely choose clothes in the morning. I would rather just go to bed and not have to see people.
I am so grateful that I have special workclothes at my job.
People. It is the most difficult thing. That I have to see them, meet them, talk to them.
Sometimes I feel good until I have to go somewhere, the store or so, then everything pours over again and I wish I never ever again have to go out. I cry more than what is normal and usually I do not know why. Everything just feels so incredibly heavy, like the whole world rests on my shoulders.
Often, it feels like I'm wasting life in front of the computer, I'm afraid I'll regret it when I've gotten older, but all I have the energy to do when I feel like this is reading my facebook feed, watch movies and series because they require no dedication.
I have stopped following extremeblogs about feminism, vegetarian blogs, political. Because the more I know about what's happening in the world, the better person I want to be and fix EVERYTHING but I can't, so I have to ignore it instead sometimes.
I just want to avoid all the pain I'm feeling but I have no solution.
I'm afraid. Afraid of the future, that it will always be like this, or worse.
I've finally gotten a meeting at a psychologist in two weeks after many months of waiting.
But I wanted to write this so that you understand why I do not update as much as I used to or if I'm slow to respond to comments.
I really enjoy blogging and certainly do not want to put it down. So I'm just trying to take it easy and not think about it constantly and in that way feel less pressured. I know that when it comes to this I'm the only person pressuring myself, it's not my readers.
I understand that some of you might not read this but I hope that by publishing it will ease off some weight on my shoulders. :)